Rabbi and family therapist Edwin H. Friedman wrote extensively about family systems and even wrote a book called, “Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue.” One of the things he talked about was the idea of triangles. He said that two people have a very hard time maintaining a relationship for an extended period of time by themselves no matter how much they care for each other and often will find a third person to sort of moderate between them (this may actually be a third and forth person as each person in the original pair may seek someone else). As you extend the model further it relates to all kinds of relationships, including ones where you choose to go through someone else because you don’t want to talk to the person directly for any number of reasons. We involve people who are totally unrelated to the situation in things because that makes it easier for us, but we seldom think about what it does to them. Friedman actually says that this is one of the main causes of burnout for pastors and Rabbis. They become that third point in so many triangles it can be overwhelming. Some of it is the whole parking lot conversation thing of talking around people or behind their back that forces a triangle. These come about because people won’t just talk to the person they have a problem with or at least they won’t talk to them about the problem. They also happen for smaller stuff like one person doing a project needs someone else to do something but instead of just asking them to do it they have the pastor or someone else do the asking. For pastors and other leaders the goal is to push people into talking directly to each other even if you have to be there to help them do the talking. Triangles can be healthy, they aren’t a bad thing when you are struggling to work something out it can be very helpful, but they can also be part of an avoidance syndrome that allows you to never deal with whatever the real issue is. This morning I had to help someone not be a triangle for two others. They didn’t even know they were creating a triangle, which can happen really easily because we just don’t see it. It wasn’t their fault and both thought they were doing something good. We don’t think about the fact that someone else might be responsible for something and we think we are helping by doing that thing when we might be taking away something that is important for the person that normally does it. That sentence is a bit confusing perhaps, but the point is to think about who is effected by what we do. In the end it was a miscommunication, and the triangle was being formed that didn’t need to exist at all. We all should be aware of the triangles we create and pay attention to who they are effecting.